


The art of losing's not hard to master

by Aranei



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 02:50:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14463393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aranei/pseuds/Aranei
Summary: Sometimes, it's hard or perhaps impossible to tell someone how you feel.





	The art of losing's not hard to master

One Art  
By Elizabeth Bishop

_The art of losing isn’t hard to master;_  
_so many things seem filled with the intent_  
_to be lost that their loss is no disaster._

_Lose something every day. Accept the fluster_  
_of lost door keys, the hour badly spent._  
_The art of losing isn’t hard to master._

_Then practice losing farther, losing faster:_  
_places, and names, and where it was you meant_  
_to travel. None of these will bring disaster._

_I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or_  
_next-to-last, of three loved houses went._  
_The art of losing isn’t hard to master._

_I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,_  
_some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent._  
_I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster._

_—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture_  
_I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident_  
_the art of losing’s not too hard to master_  
_though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster._

 

 

When he was young, it was easy to pretend that he belonged to Arthur and Arthur belonged to him and what Arthur didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

It had started with sand boxes, nap times snuggled together and cookies shared.  It soon became silly games, space adventures, pirates and prince & wizard with Arthur saying they needed a princess to rescue and Merlin asking why do we need a princess.

The first girl Arthur had a thing with scared Merlin. Sophia was intense and all drama.  The world somehow revolved around her until she told Arthur he spent too much time playing football and he had to choose. At eleven the choice was easy. No way was he going to give up football for some dumb girl.

Vivian was no less intense or dramatic but took a completely different tack. Arthur was to be at her beck and call and otherwise be invisible which was most of the time. She was only kind to Arthur in front of people who counted and otherwise treated him as a complete moron. It was only when she found out they were moving that she seemed to develop any genuine like for Arthur but by then it was too late. Arthur was more than glad to see the back of her. It left Merlin wondering if Arthur liked for people to treat him badly, that maybe that was why Arthur didn’t consider him.

The summer they were 14 Merlin and Arthur spent apart. Uther felt that Arthur needed distance from some of his more disreputable friends.  He divided his time between a part time job in the mailroom of his father’s company and the daughter of his father’s friend. He and Elena bonded over horses and having to tolerate their fathers.  Despite paternal pressures, nothing more ever came of them except a lifelong friendship.

Merlin had spent that summer working part time for his Uncle Gaius at his apothecary. It was there that he met Freya. They bonded instantly and from there out were pretty much inseparable. They talked about anything and everything. It was to her he confessed his secret. When school started again everyone assumed they were together which was fine with them because she had a secret too.

The start of upper school meant a whole new sea of faces. Most of Arthur’s ‘disreputable’ friends were gone, attending the upper school across town. Slowly they formed a new gang of friends, some Arthur’s, Leon, Percy and Gwaine, and some were Merlin’s, Will, Freya and Gwen.  Merlin didn’t really want to share Arthur but at least they were together and in time would count these people as like family.

The buildup between Arthur and Gwen was steady and slow and by Christmas they were an item. Their relationship lacked the drama of Arthur’s prior relationships but was distinctly more intense. Merlin sat back and watched it all, wishing he was Gwen while Freya held his hand. As much as he loved Arthur, he couldn’t tell him the truth.

Another summer apart helped Merlin gain some distance.  While Arthur was off working for his father, he spent his summer working for his Uncle Gaius and hanging out with the friends still in town as well as making a new one. Lance was tall, handsome and kind and Merlin couldn’t deny he had a crush on him.  It wasn’t like the rush he felt for Arthur, but it was nice and held a small hope until Lance met Gwen.

The break up between Arthur and Gwen was kind of slow and torturous but ultimately congenial. And for a couple of months Merlin held out some secret hope that Arthur would notice him. But then there was Forridel.  Forridel was wild and crazy and everything Arthur’s father hated. Arthur wasn’t a choir boy but she drank, smoked and partied him under the table. Then came Morgause. She was weird and kind of creepy, always talking about rituals and sex. It died quickly though when Arthur realized she was more weird than wonderful.   That, and he met her cousin who had just moved to town.

Morgana was tall with mile-long legs.  She had long dark hair, green eyes, luscious lips and a pair of tits that even Merlin could admire.  She also wasn’t stupid or so self-absorbed and quickly meshed into their group of friends and when what was between her and Arthur failed, she stayed.

The summer after graduation was a bittersweet last hurrah before going off to uni.  Arthur, Leon, Morgana, Gwaine and Percy were let free by their parents to enjoy the summer.  With money lining their pockets they headed for the beaches of Europe leaving Merlin, Will, Freya, Lance and Gwen to work.  The divide of money had always been there but never had it been so keenly felt. Somehow a line in the sand was drawn from which they would never quite recover.

Merlin, along with Arthur, Leon, Morgana, and Lance, headed to the University of Albion to study journalism and photography. Gwaine, Percy and Gwen  headed for Camelot University. Will and Freya decided their fortunes were outside the higher educational system. Slowly, time, place and circumstances were driving them apart.

It probably wasn’t luck. If anything, Merlin was sure Arthur’s father pulled strings but it was probably for the best anyway, that Arthur wasn’t Merlin’s dorm mate.  He got his second pick, Lance. Despite his previous mild crush on the man, they had become good friends. Perhaps too good Merlin sometimes thought. It didn’t take him long to figure out Merlin’s secret. He tried to become the voice of reason and all worked well for the first year.

They spent long hours working hard but also revelled in their new freedom. There were lots of nights spent playing pool and video games, cruising and doing stupid things like bike tag in their underwear, and, of course, wild drunken parties with plenty of opportunities to snog and shag. And Merlin, he waited and watched as Arthur worked his way through most of the girls in his classes.  Lance and Freya, and later Gwen and Will, all warned him he was throwing his life away. And somehow he decided he could live with that until her.

Of course she would be everything he wanted and needed. She was lovely with manners and breeding that his family would approve of.  Beautiful with her perfect porcelain skin, long, curly brown hair and big brown eyes. She was smart, funny and got along well with all his friends.  And Merlin both loved and hated her in equal measure.

Merlin did his best to hide his jealousy of Mithian. He was always polite and kind, slowly yielding his place by Arthur’s side, and at the same time slowly falling apart.  And damn if she wasn’t sharp. Mithian did her best to be his friend, to recognize the place of trust he had in Arthur’s life. But he wouldn’t, couldn’t let her in.

As the end of Uni approached he knew it was coming.  He could see it, feel it, taste it but he was utterly unprepared when it happened. Arthur couldn’t do anything small. He was, above all else, a Pendragon and they did everything big.  Arthur had asked, “You and Freya will be there right?” as if they were a couple, had always been, would always be and he wondered if Arthur really knew him at all. Merlin had, of course, given him a bittersweet smile, “Yeah, sure.”

So there it was. Arthur had his life all sewn up. He would work for Daddy’s company someday taking over, he was going to have the perfect wife, they were going to build the perfect house so all they needed were the perfect kids. Perfect, perfect, perfect.  And he had just stood there and watched as Arthur got down on one knee in front of all their friends. And as the words flowed from his mouth Merlin felt his heart come apart in slow motion.

Suddenly there were all these things they, he, was supposed to attend and be so adult talking about work and marriage and kids and politics and good neighborhoods and schools.  All kinds of parties and get togethers to celebrate jobs, new flats, promotions, engagements, weddings. And god forbid if he didn’t have a smile plastered on his face, a drink in his hand and Freya by his side when Arthur asked him to be his best man, because everything was supposed to be perfect.

Arthur, Leon, Percy, Gwaine, Morgana were all concerned with watching a friend fall apart, knowing he was unhappy but not knowing why.  Freya had listened quietly, held his hand but she had her own secret and Merlin was her cover most certainly more than she was his. Will kept telling him he just needed to find someone to fuck, that fucking Arthur out his system was the answer.  Gwen tried to talk him into going out, setting him up. She was always suggesting someone nice. Lance told him he needed to admit who he was and come out. Your friends won’t care. His mother cornered him in her kitchen, told him she knew the truth, about him, about Arthur, about Freya, and with a genuine sadness that he had to go, to leave and find his own space to heal and to grow, to find happiness.  

He had fought against that idea. How could he leave? Leave his friends? His job? Arthur? Slowly, steadily, he pulled himself together and fell apart only to pull together again as he went to gatherings and parties with Freya and a knowing smile plastered on his face. But his mother’s words had found anchor and spawned ideas. He thought they would try to stop him, well everyone except his mother and Lance.  He decided it all last minute. The things he wanted to keep, his old book collection, personal mementoes he moved to his mother’s house while his friends were busy. He sold off his furniture or gave it to his flat mate. Between rehearsals and fittings he updated his passport and withdrew most of his savings. He could make money selling his photos and writing. It didn’t pay a lot but he had done it before as a way to survive. On the way to dance lessons (because Arthur asked) he invested in very durable boots and a backpack. He studied maps and made a list of places he wanted to go and the places he needed to go.  

On the way to the last rehearsal he was nervous, scared thinking he was a fool to think he could do this.  Mithian cornered him in an alcove in the back of the church. She was all sweet and nice and thanking him. He smiled at her, his best foot always forward, for Arthur, and wondered if she would thank him if she knew what he was really thinking.  By the rehearsal dinner that evening he was resolved. No one knows. This is his last night to be with his friends for who knew how long. He still had the wedding but they would all be busy, too busy to see him slip away. He watched each of them, the smiles on their faces, memorizing them this way. He paid special attention to Arthur and couldn’t help but notice how happy he looked. He would give anything to be the one to make it so but he wasn’t and never would be and as he caught Mithian’s eye he couldn’t help but worry that she knows.

His mother had hugged him and said “If you love him you will let him be happy.”  He merely nodded and thought about the note he had written to her. She would understand he couldn’t say goodbye.

The wedding was beautiful and happy.  Arthur never looked more handsome, like a prince.  And Mithian most certainly his princess. He made it a point to be his best, happiest self, focusing on his part, focusing on the fact that Arthur is happy, Arthur is happy, Arthur is happy. He only had to hold it together a few hours.

As he stood up to give his best man speech, the speech he had spent hours on, agonizing over, and when he decided he was leaving, that he would start with the one thing he wanted to say most because he knew he would never have another chance. As he stood there with a glass in his hand he glanced at Mithian, holding her gaze for a moment as the words came out of his mouth. “I love you Arthur.” He paused for a beat as he saw the understanding dawn in her eyes. He firmly turned his gaze on the man in question, that stupid smile slapped firmly on his face. “You and I have been friends forever.” On a screen behind them appears a series of pictures of them as children. “so I feel like I can say I know you. That these people can believe me when I say you can be a complete clotpole. Pushy, demanding, always wanting things your way.”  “I kid, of course, because you are also smart, strong and determined and if they are lucky enough to get to know the man underneath, good and kind, someone who cares deeply for those he calls friends. And anyone who doubts this can visit the kids center that you volunteer at or maybe the animal shelter where you are always taking strays and I know helping to fund. That’s right Arthur, I know you have a soft spot for those who really need help. That you really should have been a knight in shining armor.” Merlin paused for a moment. “I feel very lucky that I have been able to call you not just my friend, but my best friend for so many years. What I don’t understand though is how you managed to convince such a beautiful and charming woman into marrying you. I hope she knows what she is getting into.” He paused a moment for a few laughs. “I wish you the best of Luck Mithian because he’s your prat now.”  Merlin swallowed back the heartsick feeling that threatened to surface. He raised his glass. “To Arthur and Mithian. I wish you many years of happiness.” As Merlin sat back down he carefully avoided looking at either Arthur or Mithian preferring instead to look at the next person speaking, not really hearing a word they said.

He held Freya’s hand through the other speeches and the couples’ toasts to each other. Gwen held his hand through their first dance to a song that Merlin had suggested, Follow You, Follow me by Red House Painters. It was just so fucking perfect he had to close his eyes for a moment and when he opened them he could see his mother, a sad smile on her face. He was going to miss her.

There was only one thing left that he had to do. She waited on the dance floor for him. He carefully stepped up to her, his heart in his throat. He knew in that moment that she knew and wanted the floor to swallow him. She pulled him close and spoke softly, “It’s ok.”

He took a breath to get control of his voice.“Is it really?”

She gave him a gentle smile. “Yes.”

As they moved on the dance floor Merlin blinked back the tears that threatened to fall while he steadied his voice. “He can’t ever know.”

She looked at him closely, a kind smile on her face and nodded. “Will you write?”

He stared at her for a moment before answering. “Yes.”

“I promise to take care of him.”

“Thank you.” For a moment, he leaned into the hand she put on his cheek before he took her hand in his and kissed it.

Everything was ready. He handed Mithian back to her husband without a word. He moved quietly through the crowd to find Lance. Freya would be angry with him but he couldn’t think about that. He had to get away from her, in some ways more than Arthur.  He slipped a small envelope into Lance’s hand. He could see the question on Lance’s face as he looked at him. Merlin just nodded. Lance merely smiled sadly and clapped him on the shoulder. He then slipped out of the ballroom and up to his hotel room. He left his tux laid out on the bed and was out the door in ten minutes, hopefully before anyone would notice.

The cheapest flight out of Heathrow that night was to Amsterdam.


End file.
